Four Non-Fat Lattes and A Funeral

Hey there, hairless monkeys, welcome to my new blog. I’m That Angry Rabbit and if you’re wondering why I’m angry, just imagine you’re a rabbit, you’ve been neutered, and you live in a hat. You’d be angry, too, goddammit. Problem is, my doctor says all that anger leads to heart disease and that I should find ways of managing my anger. I sort of took his…advice…meaning I’m not going to manage my anger so much as focus it. You see, something that really makes me angry are advice columns. Who do these people think they are to give advice? Did anyone ever stop to ask, “Hey, Abby, can see some credentials?” It reminds me of something Obi-Wan Kenobi once pondered, “Who’s more the fool, the fool or the fool who follows the fool?” So what I’m going to do is review recent advice column letters and dispense the advice the actual advice columnist – who is usually an idiot – should have given. Sound like fun? I thought so. Let’s get this party started!

Dear Name Withheld for Fear of Copyright Infringement: I’m a recent grad who just began working part time as a barista this past week, and so far I really enjoy my job. My best friend was employed by the same coffee company last year but was fired within a month and is still pretty angry about it. She keeps asking me how work is going whenever I see her, and I feel like I can never say a single, positive thing about my experiences so far without her making some sarcastic aside. I understand her frustration, but this is making me so uncomfortable that a part of me just wants to tell her to stuff it and make peace with the fact that I’m happy. Do you think there’s any way I could approach this with her without setting off another rant or starting a fight? – Signed, Beaner Boy (I made that name up).

Actually, Beaner Boy, there are many ways you can approach this situation without starting another fight. One way would be to tell your friend that you like the job because you’re a simpleton with o interest in using your recently acquired degree. (I shudder to think what your degree is in.) For your friend to still be bitter after a year makes sense if she spends a lot of time thinking, something you obviously don’t do or care to do. I suggest acknowledging your friend as the mental giant in your relationship and advise her to focus that mental energy on getting a job that will still be around after those moronic Middle Eastern terrorists finally wise up and destroy the coffee supply. Or, you could take the simpler route and just lie to her, telling her that the manager sucks but you enjoy spitting in the lattes. By the way, who the fuck drinks lattes? Just microwave some goddamn almond milk in a dirty mug and it’s practically the same thing. Anyway, a third option would be to hang out with your friend less often. You’ve been making coffee for a week and you’ve seen your best friend enough times in that week that she’s annoying you? Let me tell you who my best friends are, they’re the ones who leave me alone most of the time! Maybe you should spend more time at work and less time with your friend since you like your job so much. Or you could take that part of yourself that wants to tell her to stuff it, let it fester until it’s all of yourself, then tell her to stuff it! Now, re-read my advice since your itty bitty brain didn’t catch it all the first time.

Dear Another Name Withheld for Fear of Copyright Infringement: My father passed away, and it was his wish not to have an obituary published. Nor did he want any type of funeral service. He was cremated, and we have his ashes, yet our family feels a lack of closure without some type of memorial. I have thought about hosting a "life celebration" or "remembrance gathering" that would allow us to meet with immediate and extended family and friends, but are we going against his wishes? – Signed, Alive but Clinically Brain Dead (yup, made that one up, too.)

I’m going to share something with you, Alive but Brain Dead, the reason why I hate most philosophers; you see, most of the time, when an argument’s not going their way, they just redefine words to suit their needs or frame a debate so they can win an argument. You’re doing something similar; you acknowledge that your father doesn’t want any type of funeral, but you’re trying to insinuate that a “life celebration” or “remembrance gathering” is something completely different your father would approve of. If you really want to respect his wishes, you won’t play that tired game. I don’t care, and obviously your father didn’t care, that you need closure. Aw, poor baby needs closure? You’re not the one who’s dead! Talk about selfish. On the other hand, yeah, your father is dead. He can’t stop you from disrespecting his wishes nor is he in a position to care. What, are you afraid to anger his spirit, that he’ll come back and haunt you? No, that only happens when you’ve murdered your parents they haven’t found the bodies yet. No, no haunting for you but you’ve sure got a lot of cobwebs in that noggin of yours. Stop worrying so much and live your own life. You’re already celebrating your father’s life by not killing yourself thereby letting his genetic material live on. Not that I think you shouldn’t kill yourself, you are, after all, an embarrassment so obvious to your father that he didn’t want you eulogizing him. While you might feel guilty for wanting to disrespect his wishes, at least feel guilty for the right reasons, namely that it should have been you instead of him. Gah! Humans!

If you’d like some advice from me, That Angry Rabbit, send your letters via email to thatangryrabbit@gmail.com. Letters/Heart Wrenching Tales of Woe that I respond to will have the privilege of being lampooned by yours truly.