Monday, May 19, 2014

The Inner Circle of Jerks



Welcome again to another one of my self-prescribed anger management classes in which I answer advice column letters with the advice morons should have gotten but did not. Unlike some more popular advice columnists, I’m not going to hold anyone’s hand and tell them everything’s going to be fine. No, I’m the guy who points out idiocy when I see it, which is all the time when it comes to human beings. Let’s open our first letter…

Dear Stupid Advice Columnist to Whom This Was First Written: This week, I had it clearly spelled out for me that there’s an inner circle of moms in our neighborhood, and I’m not in it. The message came from someone I’d actually considered a good friend, which made it even harder to swallow. My confidence is shaken. While I won’t seek out any of these women in the future, it’s difficult to avoid them entirely. I would love your thoughts on how best to move forward, apart from putting on a brave smile and staying close with true friends. – Signed, Shaken Not Stirred

A question back to you, Shaken, is to ask you exactly what is this ‘inner circle’ of moms doing that makes you feel left out? Do you not get to frolic naked in the woods with them as they prepare for a blood sacrifice? Do you not get a say in how the local PTA is strong-armed run? Or is it that you’ll have less people to share your feelings with, people who I assure you don’t want to hear about your problems to begin with? Kidding aside (not really), your main problem is that you base your worth as a person upon what other people think of you. Your confidence isn’t shaken; it was an illusion to begin with. So I say fuck putting on a brave face; brave faces aren’t brave, it’s a sign of resignation and defeat. What you need to do is accept who you are – which means accepting whatever it is this group of harpies doesn’t like about you – and shove it in their face. Maybe they know you slept with Sally’s husband. Don’t try to avoid Sally, make a scene in public about how much her husband complains about her bedroom skills. Or hire a detective and get some dirt on these bitches. You know what they say, always bet on blackmail. Stop putting all the power in the hands of wo-MAN and fight back. If your true friends are really true, they’ll help you hide the bodies.

Dear Anyone Who Will Give Me Advice: Back in high school, I had a crush on a senior. I never knew why, but he and his friends tormented me: They started rumors, told their girlfriends horrible lies so they'd want to beat me up, and just made my life as miserable as possible. Since then, I graduated from college in three years, now work for a top fashion website as an editor, travel, and look damn good. All in all, I'm A-OK and lead a pretty fabulous life. And what are those cool, popular guys up to now? They're either in jail, rehab for drug abuse, or trying to make it as white rappers. So wouldn't you know...after seven years of no contact, many of them have found me on social-networking sites and have contacted me! One in particular keeps telling me how beautiful I am and asks me out repeatedly. I've been polite, but in no way have I encouraged conversation. Yet he's persisting! I find him revolting, but I feel guilty not responding because his life is so crappy now. How do I nicely convey that I don't want anything to do with him? Or—shudder at the thought!—am I being a jerk for holding a grudge for so long? – Signed, A-OK I’m Retarded

I will once again begin my response with a question back to the letter writer. A-OK, why do you feel guilty about someone having a crappy life when you know full well that your high school tormentors never felt guilty about making your life crappy? Screw them for thinking they could parlay high school popularity into a meaningful life while you worked hard to get where you are. But also screw you for giving me this “I’ve been polite” shtick when it’s quite obvious that you like having the tables turned even if you say you have no plans to respond to any of these white rappers down in the crapper doing hard time getting poked in the behind. Why would you even contemplate responding to any of these asshats if you didn’t like the attention? You say you want to be nice about the persistent messages, but even you know you’re trying to be passive-aggressive. You’re a psychiatrist’s wet dream for shit’s sake. On the one hand, you seem to think of yourself as some kind of benevolent goddess, but on the other hand the sarcasm at the end of your letter indicates you know that you’re a jerk for holding onto the grudge. Holding that grudge so long means you’re not a hell of a whole lot better than they are; you’re all jerks, the only difference being the past and the present. You don’t need to be a jerk anymore, A-OK, you got your revenge. Either let it go or in no uncertain terms tell your drug-addled admirer to FUCK THE FUCK OFF! since coke heads need these things spelled out for them. (Of course, he’ll just wind up calling you a ho in one of his songs, so be prepared for that.)

If you’d like some advice from me, That Angry Rabbit, send your letters via email to thatangryrabbit@gmail.com. Letters/Pleas for Salvation From Your Pathetic Life that I respond to will have the privilege of being lampooned by yours truly. Have a nice day.

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