Dear Anyone Who Will Listen to This Harpie: I have a 23-year-old granddaughter who has been living with a 25-year-old man for over five years. He doesn't seem to feel he should get engaged or plan their marriage. I know she is upset about not getting a ring and approached him about it a few months ago. He said he would get her a ring but wanted to wait until he had saved enough money for it. But time goes on and still no ring! He treats her well and to my knowledge her only complaint is that he will not commit to engagement or marriage. His parents lived together for seven years before they got married, so that might be one reason why he hasn't made the commitment. I've been married for 60 years and feel that if you are going to live with someone you need to make a commitment to marry soon and not several years down the road. Am I old-fashioned? Should I let her continue to be "used" by him? I feel that the lack of commitment doesn't show her respect. Perhaps his argument is that he is committed by providing for her as she continues her education. They live as man and wife without the ring and marriage. I know that it bothers her, but she continues to hang in there. – Signed, Older Than Dirt
You are not old-fashioned. You are REALLY old-fashioned. Seriously, how old were you when they invented the wheel? You’re so old you’re more concerned that your granddaughter gets married rather than be treated well. Are you kidding me? Her only complaint is that he won’t commit to marriage? If that’s the case, this guy should marry your granddaughter right away because every man knows that all women do is complain! But seriously, it seems that you’d rather he be a wife-beater as long as he makes a commitment to beating the poor bird. Be thankful he’s not using her as a punching bag while SHE USES HIM to support herself while she pursues what is probably a useless psychology degree. (What is up with women and psychology degrees?) The lack of commitment doesn’t show your granddaughter disrespect; it indicates a man who is smart enough to not pull the trigger too early, who understands that marriage is a notion not entered into lightly. That, or he’s screwing someone else, in which case, again, it is a good thing he is not marrying your grandkid. Also keep in mind that it just may be the fact that your brood just isn’t good enough for him and isn’t someone he wants to marry at all. He’s just waiting for someone better to come along. In all seriousness, you should advise your granddaughter to start playing the field first. Then maybe she will see how good she has it even without a ring and shut the hell up.
Dear Advice Furor: I am a grandmother, with four beautiful/handsome grandchildren. Our oldest grandchild is a beautiful, blond, smart 18-year-old girl. We are Caucasian. She is dating an African American and we in the family are disappointed and outraged. She sees nothing wrong with this. We all have black friends and acquaintances, but dating or marrying African Americans has never crossed our minds. I know it's not as taboo as it was years ago, but we just can't see this happening. We've tried telling her it's not an easy road to travel and that there are consequences with this relationship. Help! She says we are racists. Are we? – Signed, Katherine Kelli Keller
Dear KKK: What? No, you’re not racist! Why, if you were racist, you would view African Americans as ugly, nappy-haired morons unfit to date your beautiful, blond and smart granddaughter. I mean, if you were racist, you’d imply there were consequences to your granddaughter having a relationship with an African American, consequences that you’d somehow imply were negative. But you don’t do any of that! Even if you did, so what?! You’re Caucasian! The white man has been oppressing all those other races for what seems like forever now, so that makes it okay! Really, it’s for their own good because beauty is what matters and only white folk can be beautiful. How dare some African American man who is of no benefit to the world whatsoever because of his race lay some huge pipe to your pure-as-snow granddaughter! What I think is really going on here KKK is that you’re jealous. Even you know that once you go black you never go back. In that sense, it is no doubt that your granddaughter is indeed smart, smarter than you who has lived an entire life so fucking small-minded and afraid of the world around you. In 18 short years your granddaughter has made the world a far better place than you’ve made it your entire life. You’ve fostered and bred nothing but hate into the world and I personally can’t wait until you fucking die because god dammit, I hate white people. Your time is almost up, bitch, and I’ll be watching the clock invented by the Chinese.