Sunday, June 22, 2014

Hungering for Unbaked Cake

Oh, humanity, you may me laugh, you make me cry. Your collective ability to negate all your few great accomplishments with a flood of ridiculously simple questions is unparalleled in all the universe. But don’t take my word for it. Let’s get right to the mailbag…

Dear Angry Rabbit: I was watching the Hunger Games movie and was wondering if it was true. Like, did it happen to Nazi’s after WWII?

Dear Hungering for Knowledge: I’m not sure what you’re asking. Are you asking if a teenaged femi-Nazi named Katniss (note the ‘SS’ in her name) was forced to kill other Nazis’ for the amusement of the victorious Allies of WWII or are you asking if participating in gladiatorial death matches in general was the Nazis’ punishment for losing WWII because you’re concerned Nazis were the sympathetic party involved in WWII? Or, are you asking if The Hunger Games is simply a metaphor for how Germany was treated after WWII? Seeing how unlikely it is that you know what a metaphor is, my answer to you would be that the movie The Hunger Games is based upon a book by the same name which is a work of fiction which is based upon a Japanese movie called Battle Royale which is also fiction which itself is based upon an earlier fictional movie called The Running Man which is based upon a book by the same name which is also a work of fiction. The key word here is ‘fiction.’ There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Dear Angry Rabbit: Is it possible to make toast in the microwave? I’m at work and really craving toast because I am pregnant.

Dear Walking Time-bomb: Based upon your question to me, I gather you never asked yourself a more important question, “Should I reproduce?” Meanwhile, I’d like to ask you who hired you. I want to thank them for setting a new low standard when it comes to the people they employ. Can you make toast in the microwave? When was the last time you put something in the microwave and it came out crispy? Do you realize in the time it took you to ask your question you could have wasted a piece of bread to find out for yourself? You obviously can’t cook, so, what the hell do you plan to feed your forthcoming child, McDonalds?! Please give your child a fighting chance and put it up for adoption. Please.

Dear Angry Rabbit: If Batman’s parents are died, then how was he born? It doesn’t make sense how died parents can have children.

Dear Batshit Stupid: I’ll tell you what doesn’t make sense, your English! Okay, okay, maybe English isn’t your first language. Hell, it isn’t even the first language of anyone in the United States anymore, so I’ll let that slide. But let’s think about your question for a teeny, tiny second. Let’s suppose Batman’s parents died after he was born. Do you see where I’m going with this, kid? Because if not, nothing I say is going to help. My advice? Stop reading comic books and for the love of all that is holy stay in school. The rest of the world will thank you.

Dear Angry Rabbit: I tried to make a cake for my little sister but it came out of the oven burnt. How do I unbake a cake?

Dear Baked: Of course you can unbake a cake. All you have to do is unheat an oven to -375 degrees and put the cake back in the oven for -40 minutes. Then, unmix the wet ingredients from the dry ingredients, put the eggs back in their shells, and sell the cake mix back to the supermarket you got it from. Simple enough, I know. Be sure to tune in next week when I tell you how to unbirth yourself.

If you’d like some advice from me, That Angry Rabbit, send your letters via email to Letters/Stupid Questions that I respond to will have the privilege of being laughed at by the only rabbit that matters. Carrot on my wayward son.

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