Sunday, July 13, 2014

Run For The Hills

Welcome back! That Angry Rabbit here once again to open the inbox in an attempt to break the everlasting cycle of human idiocy. No doubt I will fail miserably since trying to fight human idiocy is like holding out your hands to hold back a tsunami. Yet, still I try, meaning I too am an idiot, or I was court ordered to give advice so as to reduce my sentence for that bar fight I got into earlier this year. I mean, what the hell was I supposed to do? The bar wench tried to charge me for eight beers instead of just the seven I had. Bitches…

Dear Angry Rabbit: Last week my wife and I purchased three pairs of sneakers at a store. The service was poor and the experience was frustrating. As we were leaving I noticed the cashier only charged us for two pairs of sneakers. I chose not to say anything about it. In the car I told my wife what had happened, and she said, "Well, the store made an error, the service was poor and I guess that means I got a pair of free sneakers." Even though I sort of agreed with her (and I didn't go back to the store to say anything), this issue has been nagging at me. I feel as though I "morally" did the wrong thing. Should I go back to the store and pay for the sneakers? – Signed, Smelly Socks

Dear Smelly Socks: Oh, someone is worry a lot about behaving morally, aren’t they? Look, Smelly Socks, you feel guilty about the situation so if you ask me, you’ve already suffered enough. How much is the store suffering? That’s what I want to know. Look at it this way, look at how immorally the store behaved in your story: The service was poor but on top of that the mark-up on something like sneakers is practically sinful (they’re made for pennies on the dollar). The staff is either incompetent or untrained at using a cash register. The staff that is competent is surely underpaid. Using my moral math calculator, you come out on top of that equation. If you don’t believe me, please refer to the nearest Bible, turn to the Old Testament and read where it says an eye for an eye and a pair of sneakers for shitty service. You’ve got God on your side, Smelly Socks. Going back to the store to pay for the sneakers would be the work of the Devil. Now put some free shoes on and go run in traffic.

Dear Angry Rabbit: My boyfriend just won't respond to me emotionally. I can't get him to open up about his feelings and he is not sensitive to my needs. He makes decisions that affect me all by himself. I never get consulted. Then when I mention a problem, he immediately tells me how to solve it and tries to end the conversation. If I try to continue the discussion, he says he already told me what to do and walks away. Can you give me some hints on how to get through to him? – Signed, Carly the Carpet

Dear Carly the Carpet: Um, ground control to Major Tom…forget about getting through to your boyfriend, what the hell gets through to you? So he doesn’t respond to you emotionally; I’m assuming he does respond to you physically? If that’s so, you’re really nothing more than a pocket pussy that unfortunately for him, talks. You’ve got exactly one option in this scenario: Withhold sex until you get what you want, for him to talk about his feelings, which by-the-way he doesn’t have. He’s got you by the panties, Carly; he’s not doing anything you want and getting all of what he wants, which is off. Since he doesn’t give a crap about you as a person, withholding sex is the only way he’ll even consider pretending to like you for who you are in order to get sex (provided he’s not a rapist). The only possible alternative is, as the only other good advice columnist besides myself Dan Savage would say, “Dump the mother fucker already.” If you’re afraid you won’t find another boyfriend, consider the fact that someone was in fact stupid enough to be with you at least once. Finding a human boyfriend is easy as long as you’re willing to put out. Just don’t let him talk you into pulling out, ‘cause that shit don’t work. On the other hand, at least he’d be talking to you which is more than you’ve got going now.

If you’d like some advice from me, That Angry Rabbit, send your letters via email to Letters/Emails of Idiocy that I respond to will have the privilege of being transmitted across the universe, ultimately causing aliens to come and kill all of us. Until that time, hasta la vista, baby.

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